I feel like I just finish a major exam today. My senior let me go for a 2-day cytology workshop which is way beyond my level, she just wanted me to sit in and learn as much as I can, not expecting me to pass the assessment at the end of the day. So I was taking the course with other experienced cytotechnologist and pathologist.. there's a cytotechnologist from another lab who is 1 month senior than me but she's quite confident and able to diagnose most of the cases. So suddenly I feel stressed and try very hard to improve myself in these two days.. hoping that I can make it throught the assessment, although it's not expected and sounds impossible (If a person who never seen any abnormal cells like me can pass, the assessment has little meaning isn't it? I ask myself)
Yet I wished very hard that I'll pass it, as if it's the "school pride" thing, as if I want to impress my senior, as if I want to prove myself.
Yet I didn't pass it. I got 18 out of 20 questions correct, but I make a big mistake on one questions and that's it. I was so focused and stressed about the training, and when I finally finished the assessment, my mind just went blank, and I even feel the emptiness that usually comes after a did-not-so-well exam.
Am I stressing myself too much? What am I expecting out of myself, to pass something that I just learnt 24 hours ago? Yet I feel that from now onwards, this unrealistic hasty urge to prove myself will always be there. Does it come from the sense of insecurity that I feel with my new section now? My probation period was being extended for 3 months, and I had to move to a new section to start my training all over again. So I was worried and I tried very hard not to be eliminated. Although the seniors in the new sections are nice, I always feel sorry for them, and I wondered if they welcomed me or not. I tried to do everything properly, and hope they'll keep me. And although my seniors keep telling me not to be hasty, I feel stressed. I feel stress if I can't meet their expectation. I feel even more stressed when they seems to have no expectation of me.
Dunno why I have this kind of .. being adopted feeling.. and I don't know how to get rid of it.